making wings out of wires

Wed, 11 Apr 2007 22:08:29 GMT

I'M SO GRUMPY.
eeeech.

xokate

Tue, 16 Jan 2007 23:50:05 GMT

okay.

cause i've got a sense of perfection.

Mon, 25 Dec 2006 16:00:14 GMT

it's christmas, yes, and i'm trying not to notice. my mom is in the hospital, where she's been for a week and for who knows how much longer, and i'm on my way there. my family has declared christmas postponed, until she's home and better, but we're still going there and trying to make something good happen. it's depressing, sure. i really liked this holiday when i was a kid, i just like getting excited about things and counting down days ("the suspense is terrible. i hope it lasts."), and predictably as i get older i just try to pretend it's not happening.
i've been thinking about why. it's an easy out to claim corporate bullshit!, religious conformity!, and that stuff is true. but i think for me, honestly, it has more to do with the passage of time. those landmarks each year that announce it's one more down, one less to go. so this year i spent my birthday alone, i will be ignoring new years, and i've got my hands over my eyes and i'm thinking about death, still. this year has meant the loss of so much. i keep having conversations that pretty much go "is every year going to be like this from now on?", and i think probably, and i can't figure out how to make peace with it. strictly speaking, only one Friend has died, and i hadn't seen him in nearly a year, and who knows when the next time i would have seen him would have been. still. getting that phone call on the drive home from chicago was a fucked up moment. and several of my nearest and dearest are dealing with the Loss of a Loved One, and i just keep holding hands and not being able to do a damn thing.
and what about the abortions, the break-ups, the schizophrenic meltdowns, the diagnoses. the jail time, the broken bones. the leaving, the sickness, the friendships over, the breakdowns and freak-outs.

so what else.

i keep trying to format my year into lists or something else palatable. it's not breaking down into events, so much, as people. formative moments with faces. so i could give you a list of names, but you don't want it. places, maybe? new orleans, chicago, ithaca. that frustrating train yard in new jersey, and the place three blocks away with cheap cuban sandwiches. and tomorrow night i'll be in maine and i'll be breathing slower, i hope, and then next year's list will start.

here's to something bigger than ourselves. and love, i think. yeah. love too.

Wed, 29 Nov 2006 00:02:23 GMT

my stomach hurts.

i need to do more than this!
i need to be inspired!
i need to not be stagnant or distracted!

something's percolating.
it's Big Change time coming right up.

i'm going to maine sometime in the next few weeks.
maybe stopping by boston.
will anyone i love be around?

xokate

Thu, 19 Oct 2006 06:56:40 GMT

mercury is gearing up to go into retrograde.
and i'm almost embarassingly premenstrual.
killer combination.
i can't even tell you about how weird my night was.

not to be complaining, really.
just a little much in the past-please-stay-in-the-past-thank-you way.

some of my dearest have had their lives a little torn asunder this week.
i'm sorry, darlings.

xokate

Sun, 15 Oct 2006 20:56:45 GMT

hate the light in winter.
it's too clean and white, makes me colder.

xokate

Tue, 19 Sep 2006 00:30:13 GMT

i have a big pretty tattoo on my arm!
i'm one of Those People now.
it's dandelions and i feel fancy.
pictures at some point maybe.

also, i'm taking anatomy and physiology right now and SO INTO IT.
and spanish, which is hard but good.

yeeeeeah life.
here's to the rollercoaster on it's way back up.

xokate

Thu, 24 Aug 2006 07:26:53 GMT

okay. so.
my very amazing friend AMELIA is playing a show.
tomorrow night. tonight? thursday night!
at sidewalk cafe.
at 9pm. maybe 9:30pm.
i am going.
YOU ARE GOING.
please.

xokate

Sun, 13 Aug 2006 20:32:35 GMT

news:
i quit smoking. crazy, huh?
i might move to crown heights. potentially crazy and probably awesome. we'll see.
i take my state certification tests this week, and then i'm a licensed EMT.
i'm going to college in the fall, in downtown brooklyn.
kat is moving to new york and i'm piss-my-pants excited.
and this!

Monday, August 14th @ Maiden Brooklyn -- Williamsburg, 9pm
Come support Support New York, and wish Glorphanage well before they leave for tour!

Oogle Orphanage -- Yes, headlining. What?!? And they will have tapes!

Defiance, Ohio -- cheezy, yet daringly catchy folk-punk, you know you love 'em.

Glory Hole -- Best buddies in the entire world also happen to be the
most fun band in brooklyn. Bikini Kill + Dead Milkmen + Shangrilas +
The Germs (but, like, if the Germs were good, ya know? Try to
imagine...) + somethin' else = Glory Hole.

Men Who Lunch? -- Greatest band on earth. 4 1/2 minute set of Free Sushi, Stealing from Sports Authority and Dave Scott Iron Man!

Says Jonathan Oogle: Five dollars! It's a benefit for Support NY, an
awesome group working to support survivors of sexual assault and build a safer, more responsible city (world?). Nobody will be turned away, but I really don't see what fucking excuse you can come up with, since Defiance, Ohio is playing a free show in Tompkins that afternoon anyway. In fact, come to think of it, no, people WILL be turned away. I'm getting angry just thinking about it. Bring five dollars, asshole.

Show starts at 9 PM, sharp. It's a monday, and the show will
absolutely end at midnight. MAIDEN, BROOKLYN -- 252 GRAND STREET -- BROOKLYN, NEW YORK 11222 -- take the L to Bedford and walk down to Grand, take a left. Across the street and a block down from Foodswings. There will be cheap beer for sale.

Sun, 30 Jul 2006 23:51:13 GMT

being no-time-for-anything busy has been good.
but it's been making me feel like a bad friend.
and a little bit like a lunatic.
i'm pretty ready for it to be over.
in two weeks.

i smell kind of strange.
probably the stress.

this weekend of being sick and lying around was really, really good and needed.
but i'm sorry, friends, for not being around more.

xokate

Wed, 26 Jul 2006 03:06:00 GMT

i wish i was a whale.
how's that grammar?

also, i am pretty overwhelmed with love for my friends and roommates.

xokate

Fri, 21 Jul 2006 17:01:16 GMT

people have got to stop being horrible violent assholes.
to my friends, and to everyone else.
i'm feeling really hopeless and powerless right now.
the people i care about keep getting hurt, and i keep not being able to do anything about it.

xokate

Sun, 09 Jul 2006 20:31:29 GMT

WHY DOES THE MAIL I SEND NEVER REACH IT'S DESTINATION.
aagh.
it makes me cranky.

xokate

we could be the wheels, we could jump right in.

Mon, 12 Jun 2006 18:47:59 GMT

the past week has been a big one.
i've got some pretty good stories, ask about them if we hang out.
trains, highways, couches, the whole shebang.
never made it to minneapolis anyway.

and i've been in chicago for the past four days.
staying with these totally amazing people i just met.
chicago is a place i'd like to spend a lot more time.
that sort of surprised me, and it's exciting.

now i'm at the library, waiting for kat so we can drive east.
and i miss a lot of people in a lot of places.
i'm still adjusting to not being with alynda every minute. waah.

it's been good, travelling. if hectic and sort of terrible sometimes.
i think i've regained some confidence about it.
and gotten new confidence in making my way in new cities alone.
and it's time to go home now.

see you soon.

xokate

Thu, 01 Jun 2006 22:13:38 GMT

aaak birthdays are made for crying!

also, thanks everybody for calling and being the nicest friends ever.

xokate

she's amazing her words save me she holds her head and.

Wed, 31 May 2006 04:51:44 GMT

team dresch reunion show, just got home.
that was maybe the best show i've ever been to.
i'm so GIDDY.
it's fucking riotgrrl kingdom come.

danced harder than i have in i don't remember how long.
got half-naked like the old days, helped sasha crowd surf, lost my glasses, found them again!
woooooo.
great.

xokate

Wed, 24 May 2006 00:03:03 GMT

I'M TIRED.

i want to not do stuff for a little while.

okay. swimming? yes.

xokate

devil's crowbar.

Sun, 14 May 2006 20:50:51 GMT

remember to spend a lot of time alone.

xokate

Sat, 13 May 2006 06:54:21 GMT

it's three in the morning.
my sleep schedule is fucked.

there's a few people i can count on to feel like home and still always be challenging me.
thanks.

a lot of good people around these days.
and i'm considering myself lucky.
i think i'm doing what i want to do.
it feels really good.
and scary, and sometimes unsuccessful, and hard.
let's hear it for growing up and getting on with it.

xokate

Fri, 05 May 2006 14:28:06 GMT

does anyone remember that song "you make me want to la-la" that was on the radio sometime in 2005?
does anyone know why i just woke up with it stuck in my head?
and now have the need to dance party.
but am in a swank manhattan apartment and am afraid of breaking things by rocking out.
damn.

xokate

CONSENTIVALE THIS WEEKEND

Thu, 04 May 2006 16:22:41 GMT

SO, WHAT EXACTLY IS THE CONSENTIVALE?

The Consentivale is two days of workshops and discussions intended to open dialogue in our community and create a network of support among survivors and friends. We wish to address survivor support, active consent, sexual assault prevention, and patriarchy and rape culture.

*Saturday May 6th*

11:00-12:00 What is Support New York? Also introductions, definition of a safe space, and guidelines for participating in workshops. Coffee and breakfast will be available!

12:00-1:30 Consent Workshop with Jay This workshop isn't about strangers in bushes and intentional predators, but rather that huge grey area in which most not-quite-consensual encounters take place.

1:30-2:30 More Harm Than Good? The Crisis Support Industrial Complex - A discussion on the pros and cons of crisis support systems from the perspectives of both an employee and a survivor.

2:30-3:00 Break/Food Yum!

3:00-4:00 Holla Back NYC Combating street harassment and empowering victims by encouraging people to Holla Back at street harassers and post their pictures of these stupid catcalling jerks online! - http://www.hollabacknyc.blogspot.com/

4:00-5:00 Phillys Pissed/Philly Stands Up Awesome Survivor support/perpetrator accountability groups from Philadelphia

5:00-6:00 Icarus Project A discussion on figuring out how to mentally support friends who are survivors. - http://theicarusproject.net/

*SORRY ALL, BUT THE SHOW AT NIGHT HAS BEEN CANCELLED*

*Sunday May 7th*

11:00-12:00 Introduction once again, Support New York safe space guidelines, more coffee and food!

12:00-1:30 Consent Questions by Cindy Smaller group discussions based on a thorough list of questions posed by Cindy (of the Doris fame) from the zine Support. - http://www.microcosmpublishing.com/

1:30- 3:00 Self Defense Workshop with New York Jiu Jitsu Dojo - http://www.nyjiujitsu.com/

3:00-4:00 More food, lets hang out for awhile

4:00-6:00ish Movie Born in Flames directed by Lizzie Borden: Set ten years after the most peaceful revolution in United States history, a revolution in which a socialist government gains power, this films presents a dystopia in which the issues of many progressive groups - minorities, liberals, gay rights organizations, feminists - are ostensibly dealt with by the government, and yet there are still problems with jobs, with gender issues, with governmental preference and violence. In New York City, in this future time, a group of women decide to organize and mobilize, to take the revolution farther than any man - and many women - ever imagined in their lifetimes. - http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0085267/

AND HOW DO I GET THERE?

84 Clinton Ave, Apt 1
Between Myrtle Ave and Park Ave in Clinton Hill, Brooklyn

Subway: Take the G train to Clinton-Washington. Exit on Clinton and walk down the hill 4 blocks to 84 Clinton

Bus: Take the B54 bus along Myrtle or the B61 along park.

Bike: [from Manhattan] Take the Manhattan Bridge from lower Manhattan to Brooklyn. It dumps you on Flatbush [well, near Flatbush avenue]. Take Flatbush for a few blocks, make a left on Myrtle Avenue and take that until you hit Clinton and the party is right there. OR

Alternatively: Coming from the bike path on the north side of the Manhattan bridge, bust a U-turn at the bottom of the "on/off ramp" so that you are riding east with the bridge. Go straight past the BQE on-ramps, straight through a light until the road dead-ends at the Navy Yard. Take a right. Go through the first light (Flushing), then take a left on the other side of the BQE as you ride under it. This is Park. Clinton is the block after Vanderbilt. Park is wider than Myrtle and usually has far less traffic.

OK, SO HOW MUCH DOES THIS ALL COST?

Nothing!! It's free!! And you even get delicious dumpstered food and coffee!!

Support New York is a recently formed collective dedicated to survivor support. We came together in defiance of the silence surrounding sexual violence in the anarcho-punk and activist communities. We are opening a dialogue about sexual assault and consent, challenging our society's narrow views of abuse, and creating a safe space and resources for folks of all genders. This is an open call for anyone who needs support. We got your back!

supportnewyork@gmail.com
www.myspace.com/supportnewyork

i'm not going to be there BUT...

Sat, 29 Apr 2006 02:32:37 GMT

SATURDAY, APRIL 30

BENEFIT FOR SUPPORT NEW YORK!

Lorena House

Featuring:

Emilyn Brodsky

Angela & Tim on the po-tree

Breukelen Kids

and more....

8pm! 1157 43rd st Apt D1
take the D to Ft Hamilton

Support New York is a recently formed collective dedicated to direct action survivor support. We came together in defiance of the silence surrounding sexual violence in the anarcho-punk and activist community. We are opening a dialogue about sexual assault and consent, challenging our society's narrow views of abuse. We are creating a safe space and resources for folks of all genders. This is an open call for anyone who needs support. We got your back!

Sun, 23 Apr 2006 15:56:26 GMT

stop raining.

xokate

Mon, 17 Apr 2006 23:21:41 GMT

my first true love comes to town in a month and i can't wait.
i'm going to see jordan in a week and a half and i can't wait.
i'm always around amazing people i love and i can't believe my luck.

and it's so pretty outside.
darwin exhibit tomorrow!
NOT against me tonight.
germantown on friday?
anyone want to come?

also, i just got a keeper and i'm using it and i'm still bleeding all over myself.
help! how am i messing it up!

for those of you i miss:
i miss you.

xokate

seeking: inspiration and motivation.

Fri, 14 Apr 2006 17:16:01 GMT

what the hell am i doing with my life.
i mean, it's good, but it's not enough.
anyone got a good save the world summer plan to recommend?
here's my ideas so far.

this summer:
take the SATs, get better at the mandolin, buy a welding machine with mimi and make lots of weird metal stuff, travel a little, do supportnewyork things, get trained to work at a rape crisis unit, apply to a school to take anatomy and physiology in the fall, save money, start doula training.
fall:
take anatomy and physiology, continue doula training (maybe even finish it), keep doing all that other stuff.
december-march:
who the hell knows? go to new orleans, oregon, new zealand. why not.
march-september:
herb school. yeeah.

eh? what else should i do?

xokate