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Wednesday, April 11th, 2007
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Tuesday, January 16th, 2007
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Monday, December 25th, 2006
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it's christmas, yes, and i'm trying not to notice. my mom is in the hospital, where she's been for a week and for who knows how much longer, and i'm on my way there. my family has declared christmas postponed, until she's home and better, but we're still going there and trying to make something good happen. it's depressing, sure. i really liked this holiday when i was a kid, i just like getting excited about things and counting down days ("the suspense is terrible. i hope it lasts."), and predictably as i get older i just try to pretend it's not happening.
i've been thinking about why. it's an easy out to claim corporate bullshit!, religious conformity!, and that stuff is true. but i think for me, honestly, it has more to do with the passage of time. those landmarks each year that announce it's one more down, one less to go. so this year i spent my birthday alone, i will be ignoring new years, and i've got my hands over my eyes and i'm thinking about death, still. this year has meant the loss of so much. i keep having conversations that pretty much go "is every year going to be like this from now on?", and i think probably, and i can't figure out how to make peace with it. strictly speaking, only one Friend has died, and i hadn't seen him in nearly a year, and who knows when the next time i would have seen him would have been. still. getting that phone call on the drive home from chicago was a fucked up moment. and several of my nearest and dearest are dealing with the Loss of a Loved One, and i just keep holding hands and not being able to do a damn thing.
and what about the abortions, the break-ups, the schizophrenic meltdowns, the diagnoses. the jail time, the broken bones. the leaving, the sickness, the friendships over, the breakdowns and freak-outs.
so what else.
i keep trying to format my year into lists or something else palatable. it's not breaking down into events, so much, as people. formative moments with faces. so i could give you a list of names, but you don't want it. places, maybe? new orleans, chicago, ithaca. that frustrating train yard in new jersey, and the place three blocks away with cheap cuban sandwiches. and tomorrow night i'll be in maine and i'll be breathing slower, i hope, and then next year's list will start.
here's to something bigger than ourselves. and love, i think. yeah. love too.
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11 "well well well"s - yr critique.
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Tuesday, November 28th, 2006
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my stomach hurts.
i need to do more than this!
i need to be inspired!
i need to not be stagnant or distracted!
something's percolating.
it's Big Change time coming right up.
i'm going to maine sometime in the next few weeks.
maybe stopping by boston.
will anyone i love be around?
xokate
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4 "well well well"s - yr critique.
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Thursday, October 19th, 2006
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mercury is gearing up to go into retrograde.
and i'm almost embarassingly premenstrual.
killer combination.
i can't even tell you about how weird my night was.
not to be complaining, really.
just a little much in the past-please-stay-in-the-past-thank-you way.
some of my dearest have had their lives a little torn asunder this week.
i'm sorry, darlings.
xokate
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1 "well well well" - yr critique.
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Sunday, October 15th, 2006
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Monday, September 18th, 2006
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i have a big pretty tattoo on my arm!
i'm one of Those People now.
it's dandelions and i feel fancy.
pictures at some point maybe.
also, i'm taking anatomy and physiology right now and SO INTO IT.
and spanish, which is hard but good.
yeeeeeah life.
here's to the rollercoaster on it's way back up.
xokate
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5 "well well well"s - yr critique.
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Thursday, August 24th, 2006
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okay. so.
my very amazing friend AMELIA is playing a show.
tomorrow night. tonight? thursday night!
at sidewalk cafe.
at 9pm. maybe 9:30pm.
i am going.
YOU ARE GOING.
please.
xokate
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yr critique.
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Sunday, August 13th, 2006
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news:
i quit smoking. crazy, huh?
i might move to crown heights. potentially crazy and probably awesome. we'll see.
i take my state certification tests this week, and then i'm a licensed EMT.
i'm going to college in the fall, in downtown brooklyn.
kat is moving to new york and i'm piss-my-pants excited.
and this!
Monday, August 14th @ Maiden Brooklyn -- Williamsburg, 9pm
Come support Support New York, and wish Glorphanage well before they leave for tour!
Oogle Orphanage -- Yes, headlining. What?!? And they will have tapes!
Defiance, Ohio -- cheezy, yet daringly catchy folk-punk, you know you love 'em.
Glory Hole -- Best buddies in the entire world also happen to be the
most fun band in brooklyn. Bikini Kill + Dead Milkmen + Shangrilas +
The Germs (but, like, if the Germs were good, ya know? Try to
imagine...) + somethin' else = Glory Hole.
Men Who Lunch? -- Greatest band on earth. 4 1/2 minute set of Free Sushi, Stealing from Sports Authority and Dave Scott Iron Man!
Says Jonathan Oogle: Five dollars! It's a benefit for Support NY, an
awesome group working to support survivors of sexual assault and build a safer, more responsible city (world?). Nobody will be turned away, but I really don't see what fucking excuse you can come up with, since Defiance, Ohio is playing a free show in Tompkins that afternoon anyway. In fact, come to think of it, no, people WILL be turned away. I'm getting angry just thinking about it. Bring five dollars, asshole.
Show starts at 9 PM, sharp. It's a monday, and the show will
absolutely end at midnight. MAIDEN, BROOKLYN -- 252 GRAND STREET -- BROOKLYN, NEW YORK 11222 -- take the L to Bedford and walk down to Grand, take a left. Across the street and a block down from Foodswings. There will be cheap beer for sale.
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3 "well well well"s - yr critique.
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being no-time-for-anything busy has been good.
but it's been making me feel like a bad friend.
and a little bit like a lunatic.
i'm pretty ready for it to be over.
in two weeks.
i smell kind of strange.
probably the stress.
this weekend of being sick and lying around was really, really good and needed.
but i'm sorry, friends, for not being around more.
xokate
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1 "well well well" - yr critique.
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i wish i was a whale.
how's that grammar?
also, i am pretty overwhelmed with love for my friends and roommates.
xokate
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6 "well well well"s - yr critique.
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people have got to stop being horrible violent assholes.
to my friends, and to everyone else.
i'm feeling really hopeless and powerless right now.
the people i care about keep getting hurt, and i keep not being able to do anything about it.
xokate
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4 "well well well"s - yr critique.
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the past week has been a big one.
i've got some pretty good stories, ask about them if we hang out.
trains, highways, couches, the whole shebang.
never made it to minneapolis anyway.
and i've been in chicago for the past four days.
staying with these totally amazing people i just met.
chicago is a place i'd like to spend a lot more time.
that sort of surprised me, and it's exciting.
now i'm at the library, waiting for kat so we can drive east.
and i miss a lot of people in a lot of places.
i'm still adjusting to not being with alynda every minute. waah.
it's been good, travelling. if hectic and sort of terrible sometimes.
i think i've regained some confidence about it.
and gotten new confidence in making my way in new cities alone.
and it's time to go home now.
see you soon.
xokate
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4 "well well well"s - yr critique.
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Wednesday, May 31st, 2006
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team dresch reunion show, just got home.
that was maybe the best show i've ever been to.
i'm so GIDDY.
it's fucking riotgrrl kingdom come.
danced harder than i have in i don't remember how long.
got half-naked like the old days, helped sasha crowd surf, lost my glasses, found them again!
woooooo.
great.
xokate
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7 "well well well"s - yr critique.
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I'M TIRED.
i want to not do stuff for a little while.
okay. swimming? yes.
xokate
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yr critique.
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remember to spend a lot of time alone.
xokate
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yr critique.
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it's three in the morning.
my sleep schedule is fucked.
there's a few people i can count on to feel like home and still always be challenging me.
thanks.
a lot of good people around these days.
and i'm considering myself lucky.
i think i'm doing what i want to do.
it feels really good.
and scary, and sometimes unsuccessful, and hard.
let's hear it for growing up and getting on with it.
xokate
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yr critique.
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does anyone remember that song "you make me want to la-la" that was on the radio sometime in 2005?
does anyone know why i just woke up with it stuck in my head?
and now have the need to dance party.
but am in a swank manhattan apartment and am afraid of breaking things by rocking out.
damn.
xokate
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3 "well well well"s - yr critique.
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nerdlove's journal